I meet most of your requirements on this list, and I also have two summers' worth of professional cabana-boy experience. Unfortunately for you, my only credible character reference for points 3, 4, 5, and 6 is my wife, who is almost certainly unwilling to sell or trade me at any price.
But: good news! I bring you insider info from the seamy underbelly of the cabana-boy trade. My former employer closes up shop in September of every year, so if you can wait until fall, you can pounce on a mid-Atlantic beach town and snap up a soon-to-be-unemployed cabana boy at a discount... then jet him down to Points South and make use of him for at least nine months before his talents will fetch market value.
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But: good news! I bring you insider info from the seamy underbelly of the cabana-boy trade. My former employer closes up shop in September of every year, so if you can wait until fall, you can pounce on a mid-Atlantic beach town and snap up a soon-to-be-unemployed cabana boy at a discount... then jet him down to Points South and make use of him for at least nine months before his talents will fetch market value.